I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
