Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
