I'm eating all of the evidence.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
