The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
