Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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