I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Randomize
