i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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