i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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