I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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