are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
