walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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