"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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