Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
