I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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