Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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