I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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