I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
