Hey man sorry I got all grabby
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
