She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
