you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
