how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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