did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
