i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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