Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize