When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
