please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
