If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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