We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
