she kept yelling 'call me bella'
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
