Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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