I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
