A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
