i love accidental penises.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dignity is for republicans.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
