I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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