I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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