i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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