No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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