can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
