Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
