I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
