i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
