I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
