My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
