I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
