I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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