I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize