i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
