You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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