i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
