Where did you get a picture of my penis
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
