I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
