the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Pants are for mortals
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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