i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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