im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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