did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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