Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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