I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
